Prologue: It’s appraisal time and IPL season. Let’s see how will our favorite IPL players fare in their IPL performance evaluation. NOM to any players. Written purely for fun.
Rating 1:Exceptional 2:Good 3:Average 4:Worrisome
Coach: Happy birthday Sachin.. You look so young.
Sachin: Thanks .
Coach: But your rating is not looking good. You’re not in good touch. God knows what happened to you.
Sachin: Ailaa!! I think I know.
Coach: God knows.
Sachin: I know.I know I am not in good touch. What’s my rating?
Coach: I am afraid. You’ll get only average rating this time. i.e. Rating 3. I have reserved rating 4 for Ponting.
Sachin: (Thinking)Is he eligible to get a rating? I knew I am the best amongst the best.
Mahendra Singh Dhoni
Coach: Welcome Captain Cool. You’re doing good both as a batsman and a captain,but you need to improve.You finish things off well when there is target(deadline) but you need to start well. I have one question though. Why do you force a 16th over winning match and take it till last over?
Dhoni: Well, I am giving you my secret by telling this-Jo Honi ko anhoni karke, anhoni ko honi karta hai Usey Dhoni kehte hain. Mind it!!
Dhoni: Well, I make possible things impossible and then turn impossible into possible and become an overnight hero. People in Chennai love me just for that.
Coach: Oh k. But what an IDEA. Whistle Podu. But you will get only rating 2 as I am forced to give 1 to someone else.
Dhoni: Well,Who’s that? I have won more matches for CSK being a very successful captain.
Coach: (imitating Dhoni) ”Well”, it’s a Secret.
AB De Villiers
Coach: SouthAfrican Ho Ya Bangalorean, Sixers-Oh Yes AB!! Come-on have a seat.
Congratulations- You’re the most innovative player of IPL 2013.
AB: Will that translate into rating 1?
AB: Atleast STAR PLUS Nayi Soch Award?
Coach: We will try. Ok lets get on with the business. What rating are you expecting?
AB: Certainly the best. I am in good touch. I am performing well. I am the impact player.
Coach: You are the impact player but doesn’t have as much influence as much Gayle has on team winning.
AB: No doubt about it, But I am as good as him.
Coach: Well, you have to be content with rating 2 this time. Have more impact on the game and take rating 1 next time.
Coach: Welcome. Please take a seat.
Yusuf Pathan: I will rather stand.
Coach: Fine. Your performance is dismal. Your rating is 4. Any comments?
Yusuf Pathan: No comments. Thanks.
Coach: That was quick.
Coach: Welcome Rohit.
I am happy to announce that you have improved a lot. You are no longer a 2 minutes “maggi” batsman where you would get out in 2 minutes(1 minute each to come from/to pavilion).
You are showing shades of leadership qualities as well. You will go a long way.
Rohit: (Stumped ) Long way? Great. Which way-Right or Left? Am I getting rating 1?
Coach: No. Only 1 person can get it and it’s not you.
Rohit: Oh k.
Coach: You’re among the wickets this season and even topping the list.
Vinay: Thanks. I am maturing as a bowler match after match.
Coach: The other day you denied SH a win in Hyderabad by taking it to the super over. Job well done.
But why did you bowl length balls in super over and leak runs such that even Gayle could not score off given the stiff target?
Vinay: Actually I was testing the batsman. I think it was Cameron White. I thought he was expecting yorkers from me,being a frontline bowler. But I surprised him by bowling length balls.
But I was duped as he surprised me by hitting six.
Coach: Vinay,you need to improve. You are getting rating 2 because of this.
Vinay: Thanks. Play me for every match. I will improve one day.
Coach: Do you know why did we hire you even though you didn’t had relevant experience for 5 years?
Ponting: For captaincy?
Coach: Batting is paramount reason.Captaincy is secondary. You will be first to be fired if you don’t fire.
Ponting: I will fight fire with fire.
Coach: That’s confusing. Anyways, you’re getting rating 4.
Ponting: (Thinking)Thank God. I got a rating at least.
Coach: Hello Virat. You’re rising star of IPL 6. I am very much impressed with your captaincy apart from your batting which is very impressive which tells me
that you’re in zone.
Coach: But you are taking it till the end. Forcing the match to the super over by giving an opportunity to opposition to win the match.
You need to improve in this aspect.
Virat: I will certainly do. My rating? 1?
Coach: You will get only 2 as there is lot of competition for rating 1. Be happy with it. Better luck next time.
Virat signs off expressing his disgust with fresh set of expletives dedicated to the coach.
Coach: You’re excellent with the ball. Getting lot of wickets.
Coach: You’re winning the matches with your balling for KKR.You even got a hatrick.
Narine:(Smiling) I was waiting for this but part.
You’re too predictable. You spin the ball only 3 ways- right,left or the one that doesn’t spin.
Narine: Well,that’s the trick. Batsman doesn’t pick which ball spins what way.
Coach: Don’t argue now.
You’re no longer a mystery bowler. Batsman have found out there are only 3 ways you can spin the ball.
Narine: Heights. Now can I know my rating?
Coach: 2. Better luck next time.
Coach: A great captaincy material. Makes me think you needed a long run to captain Indian side.
Rahul: Thanks for your kind words.
Coach: Hardly any big names in the squad and you have made them play their ‘A’ game beating some strong teams in the process. Excellent.
Coach: You’re excellent with the bat too even though you’re 40 years old. But you need to slog better after laying a foundation for the team.
You need to improve your six hitting capabilities. Improve on that and you’ll get rating 1. For now, it’s 2.
Rahul: Thanks. I will work on that aspect.
Coach: You’re the man. 175 in 66 outstanding,unbelievable,out of the world. To be frank I am speechless.
Gayle: Thanks with his typical smile.
Coach: I have never seen some one hit the ball so hard as you do. You’re modern day great. Gayle Storm Rocks!!
Gayle: That sounds encouraging. Go On
Coach: You have the ability to hit 6s and 4s effortlessly which makes you a dangerous batsman in T20.
Gayle: Music to the ears. Go On..
Coach: You’re not a team player. You don’t leave enough overs for others to score. I think you’re selfish. You win matches single-handedly. Ditto with your balling. Given a chance, you take wickets so that front line bowlers get blank in wickets column. Moreover you have tremendous capability to hit ball out of the stadium almost every time but you are only content to hit the ball till 2nd or 3rd tier and clear the stadium sometimes which tells me you’re not playing to your potential. You have to improve a lot.
Gayle: Are you mad?
Coach: Would like to add, you have to improve your behavioral skills also.
Gayle: I am going nuts.
Coach: Don’t you want to hear your rating?
Gayle: Tell me so that I can leave.
Coach: You have got a healthy rating of 2. Concentrate on points I have mentioned you will be soon get a rating 1.
Gayle: Thanks a lot . You have made my day with a healthy rating. My foot!
Coach: Welcome SIR.
Ravindra Jadeja: Thanks SIR(Giggling).
Coach: Call me by name. You are the real SIR.
Coach:The other day you won a match against Kolkata chasing a modest total with a quick fire 30.
Coach: How do you do it SIR?
SIR: Do what?
Coach: Get out on the last ball and still win the match. That RCB-CSK close match.
SIR: It happens. Rather I make it happen. Even force people to bowl a no ball.
Coach: I was right. I knew it. You’re the 1. I mean you get rating 1.
SIR: Thanks(Giggling). But I didn’t expect it.
Coach: That’s your modesty SIR. You deserve a 1. Others are mediocre.
SIR: Are you joking? Really ? I am the one? I am yet to show my best game.
Coach: When we will witness it SIR?
SIR: At the right place and at the right time.
Coach: I will be eagerly waiting for it. Now give me “Jaddu” ki Jhappi